The step back to step in
following my first rant, or should I say Substack publication. I quit the job, birthed another baby
I have just re-read my first Substack post. It was emotive, angry and passionate. The typos and lack of editing were as evident as my exhaustion and inner anguish. The push pull of working and mothering screamed through the words.
The time in my life almost a year and a half ago seems like a lifetime past.
At the time my husband and I were balancing the DIDO/FIFO (Drive in Drive out or known as Fly in Fly Out) lifestyle with two small children and myself returning to work. It was a juggle and it was hard. My heart was not with working and nor was my workplace with ‘mothering’ they didn’t get it right - they tried, they said all the right things in their gender equality and diversity external communications but internally the fight hadn’t even started. They didn’t discuss how hard it can be for returning to work mothers - the term matrescence was not even discussed and somehow people in power could still take advantage of maternity leave decisions - getting away with the division or the ‘sly pass on’ of responsibilities to others who were not in a child dependent reality and could have been viewed as somewhat more dependable or stable in the long game.
Without harbouring on, looking in the past or blaming the patrichal establishment of many big corporations - my decision to retreat was my own and there were many other moving parts at bay. My partner and I were living away, I was parenting on my own from Monday - Thursday and I was not working on my terms or in an environment conducive to growth.
In the end it was my daughter who stopped me in my tracks and made me rethink everything I wanted. December (2023) my three year old, wise above her years had asked Santa, ‘for daddy to be home everynight.’ Her innocent wish had broken my heart and anchored my decision to give up the coastal life and make trek 330 kilometres inland to a rural community to be together as a family.
It felt right. There would be sacrifices as I was going to step away completely from work and stay home. The main pull - two days at work still felt like too much time away from the girls, lack of really good childcare and of course the weekly near mental breakdown which came from working in the wrong environment made it an easier decision.
After a month of being together and sitting really happily with our decision we fell pregnant with our son. Pregnancy third time around with a three and one year old was not my finest moment. It was hard. Sickness, fatigue, mental anguish made mothering 24/7 without any family or support close by - apart from my husband - tough, really tough.
Somehow we got through and our beautiful boy arrived nearly to the day of that first publication.
With a four year old, two year old and four month old - I have almost re-emerged a different person to the one who angrily typed on the keyboard in November 2023. Sure I still have the same degree of fire - ask me why we have a gender pay gap and I will quickly respond - lack of really understanding what mothers go through and the lack of care and consideration to infant and maternal mental and physical health. A movement which has possibly one of the greatest influences on future generations. Care work does not have the greatest value in our current society unfortunately and the decision to stay home is one many do not have the liberty to make. Current cost of living and directions of our society makes it almost impossible for mothers to dedicate the time they need to their children and their own recover. A post for another day.
Nine hours away from immediate family, I am fortunate to be in a position to focus compeletly on our family. Mothering three humans to hopefully become strong, vibrant, creative and most importantly kind and compassionate individuals.
It is a complete job in itself. It’s non stop. Relentless full time and easily the most important work I will do. Do I do it with grace? all the time - no, but do I try? - yes.
I am trying to live a life without fear and to quiet my inner critic and have a go again. Put myself out there to understand my full potential whilst also doing my most important work - mothering.
I will hopefully continue to journal my musings and thoughts as a form of therapy and a use this platform as an offer to the universe to connect with others on a similar journey or those who seek inspiration.
Emily